Tools Description

[tljones42]

Author unknown. Saw this on another blog and thought other Sonex builders might identify with it as I did. Merry Christmas !

Man Tools:
It's important that wives, girlfriends, or whomever understand the original and main purpose of tools so that they can relate and understand why a man needs so many tools. Christmas is coming so this list can help her choose which ones to purchase for her man..........

CIRCULAR SAW :

A portable cutting tool used to make boards too short.

BELT SANDER :

An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.


WIRE WHEEL :

Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench at the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes one to say, 'Oh shit'. Will easily wind a tee shirt off your back.



DRILL PRESS :

A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.



Channel Lock pliers:

Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.


HACKSAW :

One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.


VISE-GRIPS :

Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.


OXYACETYLENE TORCH:

Used almost entirely for igniting various flammable objects in your shop and creating a fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.

TABLE SAW:

A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity. Very effective for digit removal!!


HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK:

Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed new brake shoes etc, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.


BAND SAW:

A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut large pieces into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge. Also excels at amputations.



TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST :

A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of all the accessories you forgot to disconnect.



PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER :

Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.



STRAIGHTEDGE SCREWDRIVER :

A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.

PRY BAR:

A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.



PVC PIPE CUTTER :

A tool used to make plastic pipe too short.


HAMMER :

Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent to the object you are trying to hit. Also very effective at fingernail removal.


UTILITY KNIFE :

Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door. Works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use. These can also be used to initiate a trip to the emergency room so a doctor can sew up the damage.

SON OF A BITCH TOOL:

Any handy tool that can be grabbed and throw across the garage while yelling 'Son of a bitch' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that is needed.......

[Bryan Cotton]

Still a classic - first saw it 1990 or so.

[GordonTurner]

Accurate. I suspect this research to be the work of an Englishman.

Gordon

[Darick]

Still laughing ten minutes after I read it! :lol: